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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 01:42 pm
the closest I ever came to believing in God

I started having migraines as a teenager. The onset frequency was about once every 1-2 months, which remained steady through my 20s. With the early ones, though, there was no headache pain, only loss of vision -- in some cases, I went completely blind for a few hours. As I got older, the visual symptoms gradually gave way to headaches.

It was interesting, the way the vision loss came on. I'd notice a little spot of blurriness, usually on the periphery, which would gradually spread across my entire field of vision, fading everything into a uniform and indistinguishable field of gray.

The first time it happened was on a Sunday morning. I was maybe 14 or 15, in church, with my family. It was after communion, and I was kneeling and concentrating.

The object of my very intent concentration was, however, the curved, skirted posterior of the high school senior girl in the pew in front of me, about whom I thinking thoughts that occur to a 14- or 15-year-old boy who has scant control over his racing hormones.

My fantasy was at the point where I had her more or less completely disrobed, but, having had no prior experience as to what to do at that point, this is where most of my fantasies at that age kind of stopped and stalled, the imagined object thereof sometimes tapping her foot expectantly as she waited for me to figure out what on earth to do with a naked girl.

Well, except stare, which I fortunately knew even at that age was plain creepy. But still.

Also, at that point, not really having seen a woman with her clothes off, I had to fill in with my best guess what the naked parts actually looked like; my mind's eye would sometimes solve this conundrum by posing the unclothed girl demurely, birth-of-Venus style, or, as was the case this day, by subtly blurring out selected portions of feminine anatomy.

It was the blurring-out aspect that at first prevented me from noticing that I was experiencing a migraine. As such, when I snapped out of my reverie, perhaps at the point where the congregation took the priest's cue to sit back down, it was with no small amount of panic that I noticed that I couldn't blink the blurriness away. Rubbing my eyes didn't help either, I discovered a minute later.

This was considerably alarming after a few minutes, in which the condition worsened. Risking the potential embarrassment that walking around with the erection engendered by my daydreaming might cause, I hastily excused myself and did some really fast walking--hands firmly pocketed--to the restroom to check my eyes in the mirror. There was nothing wrong that I could discern, but I did notice that my vision was going to gray pretty quickly.

Holy shit, I thought. I am fucked.

... then I apologized to God for swearing in His church, which apology was immediately followed by the crazy thought that He wouldn't mind so much because it didn't occur *IN* His church, per se, but rather in the adjacent lobby restroom, and so it would only be fair that whatever penalty that normally accrued would be reduced because of this, and so forth.

This wasn't effective to stave off the growing panic, especially because only then did the possibility occur to me that I was being punished for my impure thoughts. For the love of God, in CHURCH, of all places, and during a part of the mass where we're supposed to be praying and reflecting on the miracle of transubstantiation, or whatever.

Fuck fuck fuck, I thought again, and then again mentally apologized to the Lord for swearing.

I made my way back to where my family was sitting. To this day I don't know if it was a trick of my fading vision or not, but I could swear that the skirted beauty, who I had crushed on for maybe a half-dozen years but never acknowledged my existence, turned and made eye contact, and offered a little smile. Lousy timing. Foul temptress! I thought furiously at her.

I whispered hastily to my mom that I felt sick and needed to wait in the car (she told me later that when I looked at her, I wasn't focusing on her). I grabbed the keys and navigated myself to the passenger seat, relying equally on memory as well as visibility, and thought about how Hell would feel, and whether I'd be blind in the afterlife or just until I got there, because blind AND in Hell? Come on.

She came out to check on me a few minutes later, and I explained the best I could about my vision, leaving out my firm conviction at that point that I was undergoing Saul's conversion on the road to Damascus, then passed out. I was fine a few hours later. The next day, the doc confirmed her initial suspicion that it was a migraine, and chuckled "Musta given you a scare!"

Yeah, dude. You don't even know.

Tags:

39CommentReplyShare

thehula
thehula
Breana
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 09:59 pm (UTC)

I meant to comment on how my male colleague has the same affliction while my migraines are extremely painful and speculate on the associated discrimination between genders but now I'm just laughing so I don't care.

You thought God made you blind! Hahaha! Scary to you, funny to me.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:24 pm (UTC)

It took a few years, but now funny to me too. Very.


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boy_asunder
boy_asunder
ryan christopher fox
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 10:25 pm (UTC)

My migraines started the exact same way, though with sparkly blurriness, not grayness. And (I think) with a Kids in the Hall sketch, not a girl's backside.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 10:34 pm (UTC)

Oh man. Was it the Buddy Cole Softball Sluggers sketch? That might explain the sparkly. And, you know, the gay.


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thatsassylassie
thatsassylassie
thatsassylassie
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC)

Could it be musings like these that keep you from being productive at work, thus requiring your girlfriend to get up in the wee hours, so you can "get to work early and get a lot done"? I hope SHE doesn't have a migraine tonight.


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polarbear
polarbear
No Time For Love, Dr. Jones
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)

For years, I've wondered why he hasn't been fired yet.


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mechmuertos
mechmuertos
Hunt Stockwell - American
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)

Personally, I cannot wait until I see what a naked girl looks like. Until then...GRAND THEFT AUTO 4!


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thatsassylassie
thatsassylassie
thatsassylassie
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:13 pm (UTC)

redtube.com all the naked girls you can handle, well, you can't HANDLE them, but you can handle you.


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cornycornguy
cornycornguy
Cornycornguy
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:10 pm (UTC)

I was at Reed the first time I had a migraine, so naturally I assumed I had been dosed.

The second time I had just eaten Chicken Tandoori, so I assumed it was food poisoning.

It wasn't until the third time, when try as I might I could not read the newspaper, that someone mentioned migraines can have auras and are often "sick headaches." It was only then I figured out what was happening.

BTW, did you see the migraine art on the NYTimes site? I have a hard time even looking at some of those paintings.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)

I haven't, but will definitely check it out, thanks for the link.


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celaeno
celaeno
Igos du Ikana
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:42 pm (UTC)

And it's this sort of writing that makes you one of my favorite LJers :D


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)

Aw. :)


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remix79
remix79
remix
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC)

YAY LITTLEBLUEDOG'S STORIES RAWK


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)

:D


ReplyThread Parent
adventure_girl
adventure_girl
adventure_girl
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 12:11 am (UTC)

Bwahahahahaha!!! This just made my WHOLE DAY.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:22 pm (UTC)

wOOt!


ReplyThread Parent
idunn
idunn
A world tree and the last of three
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 01:55 am (UTC)

Well, if it wasn't blindness, it would have been hairy hands. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:22 pm (UTC)

EXACTLY.


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krazyfelioness
krazyfelioness
sarcastic bubblewrap
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 03:26 am (UTC)

Do they fade to grey, or go completely black?


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:22 pm (UTC)

Just to gray, or at least they used to, when it happened. These days I get maybe 1 or two a year, and I haven't had any visual symptoms for about a decade.


ReplyThread Parent
plaidomatic
plaidomatic
Plaid
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)

I get migraines too. I get aura and pain, but my aura doesn't have any pronounced visual effects. Some, especially with the really bad ones, usually in the "sparklies" catagory. I get a lot of hypnogogic imagery when they're bad, though.

I hate the phantom smells, though.


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)

Never heard of that before, doesn't sound too fun.


ReplyThread Parent
mrhig
mrhig
Triple Word Whore
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 05:59 am (UTC)

That was a great post, mate. (It did make me have to play Alanis Morissette's "Forgiven" though... I think it was the line "my brothers, they never went blind for what they did but I may as well have...")


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littlebluedog
littlebluedog
Tim
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 04:19 pm (UTC)

Nice. :)


ReplyThread Parent