Tim (littlebluedog) wrote,

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strange I guess when I think about it that I wasn't able to even DEAL with it until months later after I found out the results and that I'd passed, I was in, Mister W, but it was only then I guess that the stress and all the other psychological stranger-in-a-strange-land bullshit had begun to subside that it really sunk in, and then I sunk. I mean, here I am relating my pity-me story to someone in a bar and I'm presenting the gash in my soul as something crisp and bright and spurting when it's been months and by god when in the hell is it going to scab over and start to heal? what the hell kind of Spock-ish sociopath am I that I can somehow involuntarily time-delay an emotional reaction to being stabbed like that until I've got a paycheck and can deal ... but then when I find myself thinking I'm all cool with a sweet and pretty thing and instinctively distrust everything that she tells me based on nothing more than her chromosomes, I'm surprised that something, that ANYTHING, can throw me for this much of a loop this far beyond puberty. how does this bode for when I have kids, much less get a wife and house or dog, god forbid one of my folks die or one of my sisters gets beat up ... how can I cope with stakes like that? find my balance, find it. I make gobs more money than my dad ever did. I have use and control of my mind and body. I'm not cold or hungry unless I choose to be. people care for me. I am not entitled. I am lucky. I am not entitled. I am lucky.
Tags: writing

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