Tim (littlebluedog) wrote,

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chuck norris

Random facts about Chuck Norris

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  • Chuck Norris sued NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather from roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  • Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

  • One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "that's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

  • Chuck Norris does not obey the laws of physics. The laws of physics obey Chuck Norris.

  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

  • The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and who could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

  • Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. By "knit," I mean "roundhouse kick in the face," and by "sweaters," I mean "little kids."

  • MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

  • There are actually three sides to the Force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

  • Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists themselves were turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

  • A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is responsible for this.

  • Chuck Norris does not believe in Germany.

  • There are, in fact, 31 letters of the English Alphabet. However, only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

  • Chuck Norris' heart beats once every full moon.

  • Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.

  • Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

  • If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

  • Your milkshake doesn't bring Chuck Norris to the yard.

  • Chuck Norris' penis is so big, it has its own penis. And Chuck Norris' penis's penis is bigger than your penis.

  • The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

  • As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence, the wheelchair.

  • It wasn't actually Superman who spun the Earth backwards to go back in time; he got Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick it in the face.

  • All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start using only his erection.

  • If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, three days laters you would have the greatest rock album ever, and it would sweep the Grammies. When asked why he doesn’t do this, Chuck would reply, "Because Grammies are for queers." He then would eat a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

  • Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.

  • At a New Year's Eve party, when the ball dropped, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone in the face. Then he drank a keg and took a dump on the floor, because he's Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

  • Hammer: Chuck Norris can touch this.

  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  • Chuck Norris once taught a woman to love again by repeatedly roundhouse kicking her in the face.

  • Chuck Norris can simply walk into Mordor.

  • "Chuck Norris" spelled backwards is "awesome."

  • If a tree falls in the forest, Chuck Norris hears it.

  • Before email was invented, Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

  • When you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "two seconds till." When you ask, "two seconds till what," he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  • Since Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

  • Chuck Norris' edition of the VH1 show "Where Are They Now" was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

  • Every time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks somebody in the face, a pornstar regains her virginity--then proceeds to lose it to Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

  • There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and tequila.

  • 24. That's the number of people Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked in the face in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

  • In an average living room there are 1,248 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

  • It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

  • Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

A lot of these were culled from the Internet; some are copied, some are adapted, a few are original (I forget which).

Many more can be found, for example, at 4q.cc, sandstorming, and shorxrore; these are just the ones I liked the best. Contributions welcome.

= = =

EDIT 1 (Jan 13, 2006): After it was revealed that Chuck Norris knows people are writing about him (And why wouldn't he? He's Chuck Fucking Norris.), lance_prevert wrote the following:

Aw, come on, Chuck... Considering how this attention has netted you an entirely new legion of fans, you should play it up, not make a lame shill for your books. This is how I would've responded:

"Dear Followers of the Church of Chuck (meaning everyone) -

As I sit across the room, making love to seven women and willing the keyboard to type this message, I can't help but wonder why it's taken so long to gain the admiration I deserve. I am Chuck Norris, after all.

I just want to make this clear: If you even think about forgetting me again, I will know, and I will visit your homes in the dead of night and roundhouse kick your family into dust. And when I say "roundhouse kick," I do mean just one, because that's all it will take. For your entire family. And your house. And your neighbor's house, if I'm angry enough. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Also, if you haven't already bought my books, you will be dead before you finish reading this sentence. There is no compromise. I wrote them both in twelve seconds, on the back of a cocktail napkin, in calligraphy. They've already earned me 87 billion dollars, and God wants them to replace the Bible.

~ Chuck Norris"

= = =

EDIT 2 (Jan 24, 2006): dryad271 linked me to this video of Conan's "Walker Texas Ranger" lever.
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